Chapter Thirteen

THE WASTELAND

And the sun was at its zenith in the firmament when they departed from The House of Knowledge. And Matthew said: "Follow, my people, for I shall lead thee unto the barren wasteland", which was rather confusing for the travellers as they were under the impression that they had just seen it.

So they entered once more their wheeled carriage and in short time they did, indeed, come upon such a wasteland. And this was in truth a hellish place; for such an inferno did engulf the earth that no green plant, nor any herb that doth bear seed, did grow upon it. Nay, nought was at that place but an abundance of sand and empty beer cans.

And the ground beneath them gave forth a terrible heat, yea, as though Satan’s fiery furnace had been opened up unto the land; and the travellers hopped from one foot to the other foot, and cried out in anguish and beat their brows; for the thongs upon their feet had been made in Taiwan, and were alright provided you didn’t wear them during the summer.

So they tiptoed with Matthew unto the barren wasteland, and they entered therein with great trepidation and very little dignity, and they beheld upon the sand a host of dusky natives, and these had anointed, upon their noses, diverse embrocations of dazzling hue.

And the natives were performing a pagan ritual, unpleasant to behold; for they were upon bended knee before a multitude of wooden idols which gleamed with lurid colour, and these had been affixed in upright position upon the sand so that all might behold their sinful designs. And the natives caressed their graven idols in sensuous manner, and anointed their forms with sweet smelling wax; and, to the travellers, it all looked rather disgusting.

Then another ritual of untold antiquity commenced, and the travellers beheld the vision with eyes stood from their heads and with mouths agape; for the natives hurriedly bore their coloured idols unto the waters, and didst cast them therein. And, stranger still, the natives then cast themselves unto the waters also, and stood upright upon the coloured idols, and didst promptly fall beneath the waters, and were drowned. And the reason for this ritual was entirely lost upon the travellers.

Then a host of beautiful handmaidens appeared upon the water’s edge, and they didst prance and cavort, and they shouted hallowed incantations unto the drowning natives, and said things like: "Oooh, Raylene, that Darren’s a real spunk; I wouldn’t mind being HIS ceiling inspector." And these handmaidens were of infinite interest to the travellers; for their bodies were bronzed, and they were slim of shank, and were nigh without garment of any sort, save for the merest loincloth; and shameless were they in their brazenness; for verily, their name was horn-bag.

And the travellers made merry with their ebony caskets, and the caskets went Click, Click, Click at great speed; and the travellers decided that this was turning into a good day; and the fact that their thongs had melted with the heat had ceased to bother them.

But, at length, a handmaiden, who was Sheila, came amongst the travellers, and they beheld her, that she was haughty and walked with stretched-forth neck, and that her countenance was displaying the look of thunder. And she spoke with profanity unto them, saying: "Verily, I shall cause your wives to be widows and your children fatherless, for my wrath doth wax hot when it comes to sticky-beak sicko’s – so rack off and take thy ebony caskets with thee." And the travellers, in their wisdom, took heed of the words of Sheila, for her lips offered bitterness as wormwood; as a two-edged sword.

So, at the bidding of Matthew, the travellers swiftly shot through from the barren wasteland; for they had no wish for their ebony caskets to be thrust in that place where the sun shines not. And they had surely come to understand that this Promised Land was, indeed, a strange place; and it was getting stranger all the time.

Chapter 14 - The Inn