Chapter One

THE CREATION

In the beginning Bruce created the heaven and the earth, despite anything you may have heard to the contrary.

And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and His neighbours cried, "Strewth, what’s old Bruce up to now?" For the occasional bit of kitchen furniture had He knocked up, and the odd screen door had He fixed, but never before had He created a heaven and an earth.

And Bruce was well pleased. And His neighbours were most impressed, and didst lean over His fence, and didst gasp in awe as they beheld His earth spinning about the firmament like a chook with its head cut off.

And He glorified in its greatness as He dusted Himself down and snapped open a tinny.

And He called upon His soul meet, who was Gaylene, to behold the wondrous sight, saying, "Come and take a squizz at this, you’ll never believe what I’ve just thrown together!"

And the one who was Gaylene entered unto the back yard and beheld Bruce’s work of creation as she wiped her hands upon her apron and kicked the cat from beneath her feet. And she spake unto Him in tones of wrath, saying, "But there’s still bloody darkness upon the face of the deep; and if I’m not mistaken the earth’s still without form and void!"

And she bade Bruce to interrupt her not and continued in this wise: "And instead of spending all the housekeeping on this rubbish I wish you’d go and dip the bloody sheep – they’re beginning to smell like a flamin’ swagman’s truss".

And Bruce was terrible in His anger; and He flung His empty tinny, and smote the cowering cat, and said: "I know there’s still bloody darkness upon the face of the deep and the flamin’ earth’s still without form and void; I don’t have bloody eight pairs of hands, do I? I’m only bloody superhuman!"

But Gaylene shrank not from the wrath of Bruce, and she turned the other cheek, and went back into the kitchen to continue peeling the potatoes, whilst Bruce stomped angrily about the yard, hither and thither, like a mad woman’s knitting.

And Bruce went inside for His tea; and He fell asleep with His head in the butter dish.

And thus it came to pass that peace didst again prevail upon the house of Bruce. And the fickleness of Woman was known unto Bruce; and hadst He not been wed to Gaylene for all eternity?

To Him, it certainly seemed like it.

Chapter 2 - In His Own Image