Chapter Ten

THE GUIDE

And one, Matthew, a labourer of the tourist authority, had been commanded to act as guide and tutor to the travellers and to instruct them in the sacred ways of the land.

And he beheld the travellers as they passed through The Gateway, and he called unto his flock in this wise: "Gather ye around and give ear, o my people; incline your ears to the words of my mouth, for there is much to be seen in this wondrous land, but I knock off at five, so let’s get going".

So the travellers gathered unto the bosom of Matthew and harkened unto his words; and those with the ebony caskets offered them up unto him, and the caskets went Click.

And Matthew bade them consult the sacred writings, so that they might learn of the history of the land. And the sacred writings were in this wise: ‘Thou art now in the sunburnt country, and you are welcome to it. It is a land of six states, or seven if you count the one most people are in on a Saturday night’. And the writings told of a place to which none must venture; a place wherein dwelt fearsome demons who wouldst smite the heads and gouge the eyes of those who entered therein; for these demons do eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence.

And Matthew said unto them: "Take heed, for I give thee good doctrine; forsake ye not my law, for even thy flesh would be scourged from thy bodies if ye enter that place." And great alarm was upon the travellers; and they decided then and there to keep well away from the Sydney Cricket Ground.

Then there came unto them from the house of Matthew, his soul meet who was Deirdre; a woman of delicate beauty and fine features, but - alas - a slight moustache. And she carried with her an alabaster box of very precious ointment which she anointed upon the faces and other exposed parts of the travellers; and she bade them take heed, for the light of the sun could turn you into a lobster quicker than a pommie picking up his change.

And Matthew said: "I’d like you to meet my missus; she’s an Avon lady and she’ll happily take your orders if you just form a line over there."

And when the travellers had been relieved of their first dozen traveller’s cheques, Matthew and his soul meet, Deirdre, led them unto a wheeled carriage which had been hired to convey them to a house of rest for the night.

And they were taken to a place which is set aside for nightly repose, wherein they would take bread and would rest their weary bodies until the morrow; and those whose luggage had been off-loaded in Rio de Janeiro were assured it would be forwarded on to them within the next month or two.

But lo, as they beheld their place of repose, they saw that it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, and the stone walls thereof were all broken down. And when Matthew beheld their dismay he said: "Well what d’you expect for only four hundred bucks a night?"

And the keeper of that place greeted them at the portals, and didst wail and rub his hands together in humble fashion, saying: "I am not worthy that thou should come under my simple roof, but now that you’re here, it’s cash in advance and there’s a ten percent service charge."

Then he handed each traveller a list of ancient commandments which had been thoughtfully printed in five languages; and the commandments said ‘No smoking in the rooms, no spitting in the corridors, keep your feet off the furniture, no women in the room after ten o’clock, and breakfast is at eight sharp, so don’t be late’.

Chapter 11 - And So To Sleep