Chapter Fifteen

THE WILDERNESS

And the next day came; and the next day went; and the whole miserable day was a bit of a blur for the travellers; for they were sore of head and hungover of body, and they took unto their lips the cup of salvation, complete with fizzy medicines, and they spent an eternity groaning upon their beds.

And for that day their souls abhorred all manner of meat; and they took not any tea-time dainties, and they vowed, as one, to never again touch a drop of the vile amber nectar.

Then, on the morrow following that morrow, which was, of course, two morrows later, Matthew again came amongst them and bade them ascend from their repose so that they could continue their journey with him unto The Promised Land. And he said unto them: "Come, my people, and follow me unto the wilderness", and the travellers sighed deeply, and thought: "Where’s this loony taking us now?"

But, at the insistent bidding of Matthew, and with swiftly sinking hearts, the travellers once more entered their wheeled carriage. And this time they travelled for three days and three nights, deep into the interior of the land; and the travellers became tender of underparts and developed the condition known as shagger’s back, for verily, the road it was bumpy.

And as they travelled they beheld the terrible drought which was upon the land; for not a blade of grass could be seen in any direction. And Matthew beheld their furrowed brows and said: "The tongue of the suckling child cleaveth to the roof of his mouth for thirst out here; rather like when you wait for a Pommy to buy his shout".

Then, at length, they came to a remote and barren spot deep within the terrible wilderness. And the place was bereft of any living thing of consequence – just a couple of thousand tourists and their wheeled carriages. And all that could be seen at that place was a gigantic rock which sat upon the land like a badly made damper. And Matthew cried: "Lo, the ancient wonder is before thee; behold it in all its magnificent glory!" And the travellers looked to the left, and then to the right, and then to the front and rear; but no ancient wonder could they see; just an enormous great rock.

And Matthew beheld their confusion and said again: "Behold the gigantic rock, for this is verily the ancient wonder of which I speak! Bloody beaut, isn’t she"? And one amongst the travellers addressed his brother, saying: "You mean we just drove for three solid days to visit a lump of concrete?" And his brother replied, with a countenance resembling a stunned mullet: "I was right, this bloke’s got kangaroos in his top paddock."

But they beheld the ancient wonder in all its magnificent glory; and from many different angles; yea, and even with their eyes half closed, but it still looked just like a gigantic rock. They had to admit, though, that it was good fun to watch all the people falling off it.

And the heat was so fearsome in that barren place that the sun did cause their skins to become broken and loathsome, and their flesh became covered with clods of dust, and flying insects did crawl inside their nostrils; and the travellers began to look at their watches and wish they were somewhere else.

Then one, who was but a stripling in his twenty and second year, fell upon the ground in a faint and wailed: "Surely we shall perish in this wilderness, for our knees are weak through fasting, and our flesh faileth of fatness." And Matthew said: "Here now this, o foolish people, and without understanding; which have eyes and see not; which have ears and hear not; what’s that over there if it isn’t a McDonalds?" And the travellers beheld the McDonalds in all its magnificent glory, and were most impressed; for a sacred monument was now, at last, before them.

Then Matthew spoke unto them again with downturned mouth, saying: "Go, my people, and stuff thy faces with the flesh of the hoofed beast until it comes out of thine ears if thou so wish." So the travellers did just that, and partook of chew and spew for many an hour, along with an abundance of fries and milk shakes.

And then, their feast complete, they commenced their long journey back to the city from whence they had come; and their spirits soared like an eagle, for, soon, it would be time for them to return once more unto their own lands.

But, before that, one more treat did Matthew have in store for them.

Chapter 16 - The Ceremony