Chapter Sixteen

THE CEREMONY

And, with the eve of their departure approaching, Matthew led the travellers unto the land of the sacred ceremony; and it was at that place which had been set aside for such ceremony since the dawn of time.

For here the earth was bounteous and good; and trees and shrubs aboundeth therein; and the earth had begat the lush green grass; and the lush green grass had begat the Hill’s Hoist thereof; and the compost heap in the corner had oft begat the funnel web spider.

And the travellers entered unto the place, and beheld a great fire which had been prepared in the midst of the ground close to the azaleas. And the azaleas were no more because of this; but they had been an unwanted present from Aunty Doreen, so it mattered not. And a high priest, who was Albert, bade the travellers welcome unto the sacred place.

And the high priest was adorned with a great head-dress, worn to signify his exalted position; and the head-dress bore the legend: Hop In For A Chop. And he waved a golden canister before them, and sipped the nectar therefrom and said: "G’day y’buggers, don’t be shy and neither will I, ha, ha."

And they beheld Albert, that he was commanding of stature and wide of girth; for the years had covered his face with fatness, and collops of fat were upon his flanks, and there was no way he would ever be able to tie up his own shoe laces.

Then the travellers joined with the throng and beheld a splendid feast which was being prepared upon the great fire. And there were the finest dainty meats, hewn from all manner of beast, and fruits of the orchard, and exotic herbs and spices gathered that very day from the little deli just around the corner; yea, and even those little squares of cheese and pineapple on sticks – for no expense had been spared.

And the travellers were urged to again partake of the amber fluid known as grog and lunatic juice; but when the travellers did promptly eschew the evil fluid, the high priest, Albert, spoke unto them with teasing tongue, enquiring if they be shirt lifters or nancy-boys. So, verily, the travellers were once more set upon the road known as chunder circuit.

And, in their sorrow, they continued to sip with the pretence of enjoyment; and they sucked tinnies, and gargled the vino; for Albert looked not the sort of bloke with whom to argue. And it came to pass that the heady brew did once again weave its evil tapestry; and it wasn’t too long before the travellers began to lie down in the green pastures.

But then, amidst the celebrations, a silver platter was brought forth and set before the throng. And it bore an abundance of spiced meats and flavoured dainties; and these were placed with great reverence unto the mighty fire, so that they might be turned into charcoal. And the assembled throng paid noisy homage to the burnt offerings as the fires engulfed the sacrifice; and the worshippers frolicked and sang, and played practical jokes upon each other; and the sacred ceremony continued in a manner called bonzer and no worries.

But, unknown to all within that place, the Lord Bruce had been watching over the goings-on, and declared to all around Him that this was no way for Chosen People to behave; and His wrath knew no bounds; and He vowed to make major changes to His Grand Design first thing on Monday morning.

So, sent He a terrible plague amongst the sinners, that they might be punished; and Satan’s evil spawn was unleashed unto the throng that day. For a myriad flying insects descended from the firmament, just as the potato salad was being served, and the flying insects got stuck in the mayonnaise and landed in the middle of the sliced beetroot; and that was not all; for a host of creatures that creepeth ascended from the very bowels of the earth and headed for the bread rolls, and attempted to carry off the snags.

And the creatures ascended the legs and arms of every person within that place; and crawled into their undergarments; and played havoc with their conversations. And the worshippers cursed with profanity and uttered oaths unto the heavens; and they stamped their feet unto the ground whilst trying to swat the pestilence with their thongs, or their paper plates, or with anything they could lay their hands on.

But the pestilence prevailed in the face of their wrath, and everyone ended up running for cover; and their food spilled upon the good earth, which pleased the creatures which creepeth no end. And all humankind within that place went hungry, and came up in itchy bumps and noisome red rashes.

And, to round things off, the clouds then began to pour out water, and lightnings lighted the world, and hot thunderbolts came amongst them.

And, in fact, the whole evening was a total disaster from beginning to end.

Chapter 17 - The Departure