Chapter Nine

THE UNCLEAN

So the throng in their humility crushed towards The Gateway, and those which were blessed passed through unto The Promised Land, whilst those who were not so blessed were dragged away, never again to be seen.

Then a Guardian of The Gateway spoke harshly to a traveller, saying: "I say unto thee, have a squiz at this list", and he placed into the hands of the traveller an ancient screed which bore the legend ‘List Of Prohibited Articles’, and the traveller began to read.

And the traveller was still reading almost two hours later, for the screed it was lengthy.

And he enquired of The Guardian: "What would I want with a native drum made of rawhide from which the hair hasn’t been removed? Or, come to that, any derivative of elephant, rhinoceros or alligator that hasn’t passed examination by the Health Department?" But The Guardian answered him not, and replied instead: "Now look mate, I don’t make the laws, I just enjoy enforcing them", and he commanded the traveller to push off in the direction of The Promised Land before he fetched him one across the ear with his Departmental clipboard.

Then, to the delight of the Guardians of The Gateway, a traveller approached who was of exceedingly unkempt appearance, and of unwashed body; and this traveller had long, thick hair upon his head and face, and a decree affixed to his garments which said: ‘Grow your own dope, plant a Pom’.

And he carried a stringed instrument upon which he strummed the sweetest music; and the Guardians rubbed their hands with glee for, surely, this should be a bit of fun. And they cried out in one voice unto the traveller, saying: "Oy, have you got any drugs upon your person?" And the traveller replied jocularly in the negative, saying "Sorry man, can’t help you, but just let me know what sort you’d like and I’ll see what I can do."

And the Guardians were aghast; and sucked in their breaths with horror; and they slammed their pencils unto their desks; and the traveller was to immediately find that Hell hath no fury like a Guardian scorned; for his foolishness was to cost him dear that day.

And The Guardians had special ways for dealing with those who fell not in supplication before them; for they took sharpened tools unto the interior of his baggage and smote the lining therefrom; and they thrust the contents upon the ground for others to trample upon.

Yet no iniquitous substance could they find; nay, not even the smallest stuffed or mounted animal, nor the merest hint of any vaccines, viruses, germ cultures, living insects in any stages of development, nor other biological material, the illegal importation of which couldst result in heavy penalties and the seizure and destruction of same. And The Guardians of the Gateway were most disappointed.

And the chastened traveller, his humour having fallen upon stony ground, spent the next hour repacking his ruined baggage and piecing together what remained of his stringed instrument.

And a lesson of great value was learned by him that day: that a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver; and the unfortunate traveller vowed that he would choose his words more fitly in future.

Then, sadder and wiser than before, he passed with the others through The Gateway and into the Promised Land.

Chapter 10 - The Guide