Chapter Six

THE PROMISED LAND

And so it came to pass that messengers went forth unto the four corners of the earth, to spread the word of Bruce unto the people thereof.

And they carried with them brightly coloured manuscripts extolling the virtues of the land from whence they had come. And they were led by the one called Hogan, a scholar blessed of fast wit and quick tongue; and he came with others from the vast southern land; like the maiden Kylie, and the thespian, Mel; and the one called Dame Edna, a beauteous starlet with a history of family illness.

And the sacred message was in this wise: "Verily, there does exist a vast land far to the south, wherein dwell an especial people and which is, surely, The Garden of Eden. And this land flows with milk and honey; and the sun shines perpetually from the firmament to cast its golden light upon the countenance of every beast; apart, that is, from in Melbourne, where it rains all the time.

And fertile fields and forests abound as far as the eye can behold; provided, of course, that you stay around the edges and don’t go anywhere near the sacred great rock, for the fearsome heat within that place is enough to dissolve your daks, and no worries".

And the message continued thus: "And wherever you go throughout the land you will behold the hallowed golden arches, for every town and village does have its own McDonald’s. And, verily, this is a land of plenty; particularly when it comes to dole bludgers, pommy union leaders and nauseating soap operas". And the multitudes were even more impressed when they heard that the pubs were open for twelve hours a day.

Then the messengers called upon the multitudes to harken unto the word of Bruce, saying: "He that believes us not shall be damned, but he that believes our message shall be saved; saved, that is, a large amount of cash, by taking advantage of these never-to-be-repeated air fares".

And the one who was Hogan said: "Travel unto our land, and we shall set on the great pot, and seethe pottage for thee". And the multitudes looked at each other, and then at Hogan, and said: "Pardon?" And Hogan said: "Get your bums into gear and rattle your dags, and I’ll put an extra prawn on the barbie for you".

And the multitudes at last began to give ear to the message that was before them; particularly the bit about the topless beaches, and they called upon the messengers to give name unto this wondrous place.

So the messengers replied in their wise; and to the listening multitudes it sounded very much like: horse-trailer.

Chapter 7 - The Travellers