And Bruce So Loved The World

About The Book

2008-01-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

This little piece of literary nonsense was conceived in exasperation.

I’ve lived in Australia for 25 years, and although it's a great place to live, it's like every other country ... it's got many good points, but it’s NOT a Garden of Eden, as the propagandists in the tourism industry would have everyone believe.

The tourism marketers go into overdrive whenever they write about Australia - perpetual sunshine, pristine beaches, barbies every night, wombats waddling their way around the suburbs and a zero crime rate - and it's easy to get the impression that Australia is the only civilised place left on the face of the Earth.

I didn’t set out to denigrate Australia with this ridiculous story, but I thought it would be a good idea to perhaps put the record straight and show Australia how it REALLY is - warts and all - the idea being that IF Australia really is just about perfect (as the marketers would have us believe), then perhaps God was an AUSTRALIAN and maybe, therefore, it's AUSTRALIANS who are the real biblical Chosen People.

When Minerva Press in London were considering publishing this little book a few years ago, they described it as having "a delightful lack of political correctness" which, I think, was a way of saying that it was rude, sacrilegious, racist, mysogonistic, homophobic & plain silly ... which it is - but which makes it sort of special, because not even D.H. Lawrence would have been able to brag about having a single book with ALL those qualities at once.

But, despite their enthusiasm, it was never published in book form, and perhaps it's just as well because I could do without a Christian 'fatwah' being pronounced upon me.

And, to that end, I’d better warn anybody who might be offended at the ‘religious’ aspects of this little book, that it may be better if you don’t read any further than this!

You can BUY this book!

If you're looking to buy a present for someone you really hate, you can get a cheap copy of this book at LULU.COM

Chapter 1 - The Creation

Chapter Seventeen

2008-01-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

THE DEPARTURE

And, at last, the time arrived for the travellers to depart once more unto their own lands.

And Matthew led them unto the landing ground of the big silver birds, so that they might behold that place wherein could be purchased wondrous artefacts and souvenirs at highly inflated prices. And the travellers beheld the artefacts, that they were of many shapes and sizes, and were ideal for filling up empty corners of attics, or for giving as gifts to disliked relatives.

And the artefacts were designed to last all day, provided they were not removed from their boxes. And there were ornately carved wombats, whose heads fell off to reveal two-inch stainless steel pins, capable of penetrating any thickness of human flesh. Yea, and genuine Aboriginal boomerangs were there, of great antiquity, fashioned thereof from the finest unbreakable plastic and turned out by the thousand at a little factory just off the Parramatta Road.

And lo, there were even fluffy koalas, which wore hats bedecked with dangling corks, and cleverly designed to play Waltzing Matilda whenever their noses were pressed. And the travellers purchased these, and a multitude of other artefacts, ensuring, as Matthew had commanded them, that they were the genuine article and bore the legend: Made In Taiwan.

And when each of the travellers had dressed himself in a t-shirt saying: I Love Vegemite and a hat depicting thereof a boxing kangaroo, they all entered with Matthew unto the chamber which had been set aside for those awaiting the big silver birds.

And as they entered the chamber they beheld a host of other travellers milling about therein, each bearing assorted carved wombats and plastic boomerangs. And these were pressed together shoulder unto shoulder and cheek unto jowl; for a sore age had they been there, awaiting the big silver birds. And they frequently looked towards the heavens for a sign; but no sign came; for the information boards refused to tick over.

And they remained within that place until the shadows lengthened with the eventide; and yet more travellers continued to enter therein, until there was hardly room to swing an ebony casket.

Then, at last, a messenger came amongst the multitude with tidings of great import, for he was a representative of the labourers. And he spoke unto the throng from a podium in their midst, saying: "Until such time as management ceases its confrontationist policy and recognises de facto relationships between cabin staff, especially when it comes to my friend Nigel and me, all flights will remain grounded."

And the multitude cried out in one voice, invoking a pox unto all the representatives of the labourers; and they flung ornately carved wombats unto the unfortunate messenger, and fluffy koalas which played Waltzing Matilda and suggested unto him new uses for genuine plastic boomerangs.

And one amongst them cried: "Let me at the blighter, I’ll clock him with my brolly." And another said: "Martha, go call my lawyer in Pittsburgh, I’ll sue this guy for every buck he’s got." And yet a third merely smiled, and said: "Ah, so" and clicked away happily with his ebony casket.

But the messenger stood his ground in the face of their wrath, and cried aloud an ancient incantation, once which had been used since the dawning of time; and the incantation was thus: "SIC BISCUITUS DISINTEGRATUS" which, when loosely translated, meant: "THAT’S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES".

So, with no alternative before them, the travellers continued to wait for the big silver birds. And their souvenir packs of Violet Crumble melted; and their Minties congealed; and their Vegemite turned rancid.

And, of all the wondrous things that they had encountered within The Promised Land, by far the most interesting were the information boards within that place; yet, their mystery was destined to remain forever hidden from the travellers; for they steadfastly refused to tick over.

EPILOGUE

And meanwhile, far to the north, messengers continued to spread the word of Bruce. And their message told of a vast land in the south, wherein dwelt a pleasant people and wherein the sun always shone, and which was, surely, The Promised Land.

END

Chapter Sixteen

2008-01-15T16:18:00.002-08:00

THE CEREMONY

And, with the eve of their departure approaching, Matthew led the travellers unto the land of the sacred ceremony; and it was at that place which had been set aside for such ceremony since the dawn of time.

For here the earth was bounteous and good; and trees and shrubs aboundeth therein; and the earth had begat the lush green grass; and the lush green grass had begat the Hill’s Hoist thereof; and the compost heap in the corner had oft begat the funnel web spider.

And the travellers entered unto the place, and beheld a great fire which had been prepared in the midst of the ground close to the azaleas. And the azaleas were no more because of this; but they had been an unwanted present from Aunty Doreen, so it mattered not. And a high priest, who was Albert, bade the travellers welcome unto the sacred place.

And the high priest was adorned with a great head-dress, worn to signify his exalted position; and the head-dress bore the legend: Hop In For A Chop. And he waved a golden canister before them, and sipped the nectar therefrom and said: "G’day y’buggers, don’t be shy and neither will I, ha, ha."

And they beheld Albert, that he was commanding of stature and wide of girth; for the years had covered his face with fatness, and collops of fat were upon his flanks, and there was no way he would ever be able to tie up his own shoe laces.

Then the travellers joined with the throng and beheld a splendid feast which was being prepared upon the great fire. And there were the finest dainty meats, hewn from all manner of beast, and fruits of the orchard, and exotic herbs and spices gathered that very day from the little deli just around the corner; yea, and even those little squares of cheese and pineapple on sticks – for no expense had been spared.

And the travellers were urged to again partake of the amber fluid known as grog and lunatic juice; but when the travellers did promptly eschew the evil fluid, the high priest, Albert, spoke unto them with teasing tongue, enquiring if they be shirt lifters or nancy-boys. So, verily, the travellers were once more set upon the road known as chunder circuit.

And, in their sorrow, they continued to sip with the pretence of enjoyment; and they sucked tinnies, and gargled the vino; for Albert looked not the sort of bloke with whom to argue. And it came to pass that the heady brew did once again weave its evil tapestry; and it wasn’t too long before the travellers began to lie down in the green pastures.

But then, amidst the celebrations, a silver platter was brought forth and set before the throng. And it bore an abundance of spiced meats and flavoured dainties; and these were placed with great reverence unto the mighty fire, so that they might be turned into charcoal. And the assembled throng paid noisy homage to the burnt offerings as the fires engulfed the sacrifice; and the worshippers frolicked and sang, and played practical jokes upon each other; and the sacred ceremony continued in a manner called bonzer and no worries.

But, unknown to all within that place, the Lord Bruce had been watching over the goings-on, and declared to all around Him that this was no way for Chosen People to behave; and His wrath knew no bounds; and He vowed to make major changes to His Grand Design first thing on Monday morning.

So, sent He a terrible plague amongst the sinners, that they might be punished; and Satan’s evil spawn was unleashed unto the throng that day. For a myriad flying insects descended from the firmament, just as the potato salad was being served, and the flying insects got stuck in the mayonnaise and landed in the middle of the sliced beetroot; and that was not all; for a host of creatures that creepeth ascended from the very bowels of the earth and headed for the bread rolls, and attempted to carry off the snags.

And the creatures ascended the legs and arms of every person within that place; and crawled into their undergarments; and played havoc with their conversations. And the worshippers cursed with profanity and uttered oaths unto the heavens; and they stamped their feet unto the ground whilst trying to swat the pestilence with their thongs, or their paper plates, or with anything they could lay their hands on.

But the pestilence prevailed in the face of their wrath, and everyone ended up running for cover; and their food spilled upon the good earth, which pleased the creatures which creepeth no end. And all humankind within that place went hungry, and came up in itchy bumps and noisome red rashes.

And, to round things off, the clouds then began to pour out water, and lightnings lighted the world, and hot thunderbolts came amongst them.

And, in fact, the whole evening was a total disaster from beginning to end.

Chapter 17 - The Departure

Chapter Fifteen

2008-01-15T16:18:00.001-08:00

THE WILDERNESS

And the next day came; and the next day went; and the whole miserable day was a bit of a blur for the travellers; for they were sore of head and hungover of body, and they took unto their lips the cup of salvation, complete with fizzy medicines, and they spent an eternity groaning upon their beds.

And for that day their souls abhorred all manner of meat; and they took not any tea-time dainties, and they vowed, as one, to never again touch a drop of the vile amber nectar.

Then, on the morrow following that morrow, which was, of course, two morrows later, Matthew again came amongst them and bade them ascend from their repose so that they could continue their journey with him unto The Promised Land. And he said unto them: "Come, my people, and follow me unto the wilderness", and the travellers sighed deeply, and thought: "Where’s this loony taking us now?"

But, at the insistent bidding of Matthew, and with swiftly sinking hearts, the travellers once more entered their wheeled carriage. And this time they travelled for three days and three nights, deep into the interior of the land; and the travellers became tender of underparts and developed the condition known as shagger’s back, for verily, the road it was bumpy.

And as they travelled they beheld the terrible drought which was upon the land; for not a blade of grass could be seen in any direction. And Matthew beheld their furrowed brows and said: "The tongue of the suckling child cleaveth to the roof of his mouth for thirst out here; rather like when you wait for a Pommy to buy his shout".

Then, at length, they came to a remote and barren spot deep within the terrible wilderness. And the place was bereft of any living thing of consequence – just a couple of thousand tourists and their wheeled carriages. And all that could be seen at that place was a gigantic rock which sat upon the land like a badly made damper. And Matthew cried: "Lo, the ancient wonder is before thee; behold it in all its magnificent glory!" And the travellers looked to the left, and then to the right, and then to the front and rear; but no ancient wonder could they see; just an enormous great rock.

And Matthew beheld their confusion and said again: "Behold the gigantic rock, for this is verily the ancient wonder of which I speak! Bloody beaut, isn’t she"? And one amongst the travellers addressed his brother, saying: "You mean we just drove for three solid days to visit a lump of concrete?" And his brother replied, with a countenance resembling a stunned mullet: "I was right, this bloke’s got kangaroos in his top paddock."

But they beheld the ancient wonder in all its magnificent glory; and from many different angles; yea, and even with their eyes half closed, but it still looked just like a gigantic rock. They had to admit, though, that it was good fun to watch all the people falling off it.

And the heat was so fearsome in that barren place that the sun did cause their skins to become broken and loathsome, and their flesh became covered with clods of dust, and flying insects did crawl inside their nostrils; and the travellers began to look at their watches and wish they were somewhere else.

Then one, who was but a stripling in his twenty and second year, fell upon the ground in a faint and wailed: "Surely we shall perish in this wilderness, for our knees are weak through fasting, and our flesh faileth of fatness." And Matthew said: "Here now this, o foolish people, and without understanding; which have eyes and see not; which have ears and hear not; what’s that over there if it isn’t a McDonalds?" And the travellers beheld the McDonalds in all its magnificent glory, and were most impressed; for a sacred monument was now, at last, before them.

Then Matthew spoke unto them again with downturned mouth, saying: "Go, my people, and stuff thy faces with the flesh of the hoofed beast until it comes out of thine ears if thou so wish." So the travellers did just that, and partook of chew and spew for many an hour, along with an abundance of fries and milk shakes.

And then, their feast complete, they commenced their long journey back to the city from whence they had come; and their spirits soared like an eagle, for, soon, it would be time for them to return once more unto their own lands.

But, before that, one more treat did Matthew have in store for them.

Chapter 16 - The Ceremony

Chapter Fourteen

2008-01-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

THE INN

And the heat of the sun had made them weary from their labours, and as dry as a Pommy’s towel, and in sore need of refreshment. So Matthew led his flock unto an inn; and there was great merriment to be heard from within the inn, without.

Which means what was within the inn could be heard without.

Without being within.

And they entered through the doorway of that place and beheld a gathering of the most dreadful iniquity, and they averted their eyes from the happenings, for this was, surely, a sinful place. For a multitude of unkempt labourers had gathered within; and they held crystal chalices unto their lips; and the chalices were filled to the brims with a foaming nectar of the clearest amber which the labourers did imbibe at swift pace and in great amounts; yea, as though it were in danger of going out of fashion.

And the merry labourers beheld the weary travellers as they entered therein, and they cried out in one voice: "Lo! Behold the buggered travellers, for surely have they come to join us in our festivities!" And the labourers greeted the travellers in customary manner, and placed a hairy arm about the shoulders of each one, and spoke loudly thus: "Here y’are mate, get yer giggling gear round some grog!" And others said: "Have a frosty bleedin’ tube y’old bastard, what d’ya think of good old Oz so far?"

And with the language of love being universal, the labourers were caused to be embraced unto the bosom of the multitude, yea, whether they liked it or not; and, as a bird hasteth to the snare unknowing, they were caused, also, to enter unto the lewdness of that place. And at the bidding of the labourers they partook of the frosty tubes, and they sated themselves on large amounts of bloody good tucker.

And the merriment continued in this wise for a sore age until the travellers, too, commenced to sing and to fall unto the ground upon their countenances; and many had cause to visit the big white telephone, there to bring forward the technicolor yawns and the liquid laughs, for verily, as Matthew could not help but notice, they were all as full as a bull’s bum.

And upon that day the travellers did discover that the amber brew it biteth like a serpent and stingeth like a scorpion, although at the time it slideth down like a treacle sandwich.

Then Matthew beheld the travellers as he ceased his idle tattle with the tavern wench, and he saw that they erred in vision and stumbled in judgment through strong drink, and he was ashamed; and he said unto the tavern wench: "Just my luck to get lumbered with a bunch of two-pot screamers". But there was no counsel he could give them – them that are weaned from the milk and drawn from the breast; for they were old enough to look after themselves, and if they wanted to end up honking the bacon down the pipes, then that was their lookout.

So, as the dusk descended, the revelry continued; and everyone within that place became swallowed up of wine and out of the way through strong drink; and the place ended up in total chaos; and there was all manner of filthiness, so that there was no place clean.

But this was known as having a ripper of a night out; and not one amongst the travellers was the slightest bit concerned about how he would feel upon the morrow.

Chapter 15 - The Wilderness

Chapter Thirteen

2008-01-15T16:16:00.002-08:00

THE WASTELAND

And the sun was at its zenith in the firmament when they departed from The House of Knowledge. And Matthew said: "Follow, my people, for I shall lead thee unto the barren wasteland", which was rather confusing for the travellers as they were under the impression that they had just seen it.

So they entered once more their wheeled carriage and in short time they did, indeed, come upon such a wasteland. And this was in truth a hellish place; for such an inferno did engulf the earth that no green plant, nor any herb that doth bear seed, did grow upon it. Nay, nought was at that place but an abundance of sand and empty beer cans.

And the ground beneath them gave forth a terrible heat, yea, as though Satan’s fiery furnace had been opened up unto the land; and the travellers hopped from one foot to the other foot, and cried out in anguish and beat their brows; for the thongs upon their feet had been made in Taiwan, and were alright provided you didn’t wear them during the summer.

So they tiptoed with Matthew unto the barren wasteland, and they entered therein with great trepidation and very little dignity, and they beheld upon the sand a host of dusky natives, and these had anointed, upon their noses, diverse embrocations of dazzling hue.

And the natives were performing a pagan ritual, unpleasant to behold; for they were upon bended knee before a multitude of wooden idols which gleamed with lurid colour, and these had been affixed in upright position upon the sand so that all might behold their sinful designs. And the natives caressed their graven idols in sensuous manner, and anointed their forms with sweet smelling wax; and, to the travellers, it all looked rather disgusting.

Then another ritual of untold antiquity commenced, and the travellers beheld the vision with eyes stood from their heads and with mouths agape; for the natives hurriedly bore their coloured idols unto the waters, and didst cast them therein. And, stranger still, the natives then cast themselves unto the waters also, and stood upright upon the coloured idols, and didst promptly fall beneath the waters, and were drowned. And the reason for this ritual was entirely lost upon the travellers.

Then a host of beautiful handmaidens appeared upon the water’s edge, and they didst prance and cavort, and they shouted hallowed incantations unto the drowning natives, and said things like: "Oooh, Raylene, that Darren’s a real spunk; I wouldn’t mind being HIS ceiling inspector." And these handmaidens were of infinite interest to the travellers; for their bodies were bronzed, and they were slim of shank, and were nigh without garment of any sort, save for the merest loincloth; and shameless were they in their brazenness; for verily, their name was horn-bag.

And the travellers made merry with their ebony caskets, and the caskets went Click, Click, Click at great speed; and the travellers decided that this was turning into a good day; and the fact that their thongs had melted with the heat had ceased to bother them.

But, at length, a handmaiden, who was Sheila, came amongst the travellers, and they beheld her, that she was haughty and walked with stretched-forth neck, and that her countenance was displaying the look of thunder. And she spoke with profanity unto them, saying: "Verily, I shall cause your wives to be widows and your children fatherless, for my wrath doth wax hot when it comes to sticky-beak sicko’s – so rack off and take thy ebony caskets with thee." And the travellers, in their wisdom, took heed of the words of Sheila, for her lips offered bitterness as wormwood; as a two-edged sword.

So, at the bidding of Matthew, the travellers swiftly shot through from the barren wasteland; for they had no wish for their ebony caskets to be thrust in that place where the sun shines not. And they had surely come to understand that this Promised Land was, indeed, a strange place; and it was getting stranger all the time.

Chapter 14 - The Inn

Chapter Twelve

2008-01-15T16:16:00.001-08:00

THE TEMPLE

And it came to pass that the travellers commenced their journey with Matthew unto the Promised Land; and they would have commenced it earlier than eleven-thirty if Matthew had not had to park the wheeled carriage fifty leagues away because of the rush-hour traffic.

And he gathered them once more unto his bosom, and said: "Let us tarry not in this place, for there is much to do and much to be seen, and I’ll spew if I get back to the wheeled carriage to find I’ve got another bloody ticket".

So they set out with skipping hearts on their great journey and went forth into the wondrous city. And the first place to which they travelled was set upon the water; and it was a dazzling white temple, for heavenly music and shrill voices could be heard within. And the temple was beside an edifice of great magnitude; and the edifice was wrought with steel and it sat astride the waters like a colossus; and reminded the travellers of an enormous coat hanger.

And they cowered beneath the shadow of the terrible edifice; and the great roar which came from the beast caused them to place their hands upon their ears; but the roar could not be stilled. And although Matthew had expected them to be impressed, he had a hard time explaining why three thousand wheeled carriages were stuck bumper-to-bumper on it.

Then they turned their eyes to behold the wondrous temple from wherein came the shrill voices and heavenly music; and they sniggered; and they pointed their fingers unto that place; and one amongst them said: "It looks like a group of nuns in a rugger scrum." Then another said: "When will they be repairing the roof?" And yet a third said: "I know…it’s an igloo with air ducts."

And Matthew was not amused, and bit he hard upon his tongue; for he was a compassionate man and these were but flesh; a wind that passeth away and cometh not again; and he certainly didn’t want to spoil his chances of a hefty tip at the end of the tour.

And above the roar which came from the giant coat hanger could be heard the steady Click, Click, Click of the ebony caskets as they were offered up unto the temple; for if they didn’t get a picture of this, nobody at home would ever believe them.

So, with laughter ringing in his ears, Matthew led the travellers further into the great city, so that they might behold the House of Knowledge, wherein were debated the ancient laws; and if they weren’t impressed this time he would be very surprised.

And they beheld the splendour of the House of Knowledge, and they entered therein; and they saw that its heights was of threescore cubits, and its breadth thereof threescore cubits, which meant it was very large, and they saw that it was tastefully decorated in imitation pinewood panelling; and there were statues of obscure people scattered about within that place; and the flock wallpaper made it look a bit like an Indian restaurant.

Then they entered a vast chamber and beheld six score and twenty ancients of the land debating the sacred laws; and the ancients were standing upon the seats, and were throwing rolled up pieces of paper unto each other and conversing loudly in a strange language. And the ancients on one side of the chamber were shouting at the ancients on the other side, whilst the ancients on that side were shouting back.

And words of great import filled the air, such as: "The honourable member is a prawn-headed ratbag" and: "The honourable member is a snivelling mullet-gutted toadie."

Then, an ancient leapt nimbly from his seat and jumped upon a table; and he danced gaily thereon, and yelled: "The honourable member is a grovelling little sleazebag who wouldn’t know what integrity was it if jumped up and bit him on the bum!" And there were many other such wise decrees; and as the travellers beheld the scene in awe, they wondered how a host of other ancients around the chamber couldst sleep so soundly with bits of paper over their faces.

Then one amongst the travellers spoke unto Matthew, saying: "Do they ever manage to agree on anything?" And Matthew became sad of countenance and lamented thus: "Doth the wild ass bray when he hath grass? Or loweth the ox over his fodder? Or, come to that, is the Pope Jewish?" And the traveller had his answer.

Then another of the travellers asked of Matthew whether this might be an asylum to which they had been brought; a place, maybe, for those of feeble minds. And Matthew answered: "Well, sort of … it’s called The Government."

And the travellers were of the opinion that this lot would have great difficulty in governing a chook raffle.

Chapter 13 - The Wasteland

Chapter Eleven

2008-01-15T16:15:00.001-08:00

AND SO TO SLEEP

And the keeper said unto the travellers: "Let thy bodies arise and eat of our venison, that thy souls may bless us." Which the travellers took as meaning that dinner was served.

And they entered unto a chamber and beheld tables set with a great feast, which had been prepared in their honour. And a succulent repast didst they behold before them; for an abundance of pies containing meat pieces did they espy; and large gourds full with ruby red dressing and having the taste of tomatoes; and delicately shaped pieces of potato which had been deeply fried in vegetable oil.

Yea, and the finest wines were set before them, of a vintage more than one week old. And the travellers made merry with their feast long into the evening; for it came to pass that it took that long to break through the crusts of the meat pies.

Then, fully sated from their banquet, they retired each one, unto their rooms for rest; to prepare their bodies for to sleep a little; a little slumber; a little folding of the hands to sleep. And, verily, to partake of fizzy medications, for their undigested meat pies wouldst make the travellers certain candidates for the night-time chunder circuit.

And some amongst them beheld large wooden boxes standing as silent sentinels in the corners of their rooms; and a twiddle of the workings thereof caused them to recoil in fear and terror at the great noise and colourful movement that emanated therefrom. And these were surely vile creations of the Devil; for men with large girth berated them incessantly from within the boxes, demanding they purchase furniture at cut prices and at reduced interest rates.

And then other men with Brylcreemed hair, and wearing loud neckties, gave them warning that they wouldst forever suffer the purgatory of Hell if they failed to take advantage of the current prices for Japanese motorised wheeled carriages.

And the screams and threats which came forth from the boxes would not be stilled; and the travellers hid in terror beneath their beds; and some thrust pieces of furniture with great force into the workings thereof; and the boxes were silent once more; and the Devil was cast out.

And so, although the beds were shorter than a man couldst stretch himself upon; and the covering narrower than he couldst wrap himself in, the travellers finally fell into troubled slumber.

And those amongst them who had The Faith believed that come the morrow it would surely be a better day; whilst those that did not have The Faith doubted it very much.

Chapter 12 - The Temple

Chapter Ten

2008-01-15T16:14:00.001-08:00

THE GUIDE

And one, Matthew, a labourer of the tourist authority, had been commanded to act as guide and tutor to the travellers and to instruct them in the sacred ways of the land.

And he beheld the travellers as they passed through The Gateway, and he called unto his flock in this wise: "Gather ye around and give ear, o my people; incline your ears to the words of my mouth, for there is much to be seen in this wondrous land, but I knock off at five, so let’s get going".

So the travellers gathered unto the bosom of Matthew and harkened unto his words; and those with the ebony caskets offered them up unto him, and the caskets went Click.

And Matthew bade them consult the sacred writings, so that they might learn of the history of the land. And the sacred writings were in this wise: ‘Thou art now in the sunburnt country, and you are welcome to it. It is a land of six states, or seven if you count the one most people are in on a Saturday night’. And the writings told of a place to which none must venture; a place wherein dwelt fearsome demons who wouldst smite the heads and gouge the eyes of those who entered therein; for these demons do eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence.

And Matthew said unto them: "Take heed, for I give thee good doctrine; forsake ye not my law, for even thy flesh would be scourged from thy bodies if ye enter that place." And great alarm was upon the travellers; and they decided then and there to keep well away from the Sydney Cricket Ground.

Then there came unto them from the house of Matthew, his soul meet who was Deirdre; a woman of delicate beauty and fine features, but - alas - a slight moustache. And she carried with her an alabaster box of very precious ointment which she anointed upon the faces and other exposed parts of the travellers; and she bade them take heed, for the light of the sun could turn you into a lobster quicker than a pommie picking up his change.

And Matthew said: "I’d like you to meet my missus; she’s an Avon lady and she’ll happily take your orders if you just form a line over there."

And when the travellers had been relieved of their first dozen traveller’s cheques, Matthew and his soul meet, Deirdre, led them unto a wheeled carriage which had been hired to convey them to a house of rest for the night.

And they were taken to a place which is set aside for nightly repose, wherein they would take bread and would rest their weary bodies until the morrow; and those whose luggage had been off-loaded in Rio de Janeiro were assured it would be forwarded on to them within the next month or two.

But lo, as they beheld their place of repose, they saw that it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, and the stone walls thereof were all broken down. And when Matthew beheld their dismay he said: "Well what d’you expect for only four hundred bucks a night?"

And the keeper of that place greeted them at the portals, and didst wail and rub his hands together in humble fashion, saying: "I am not worthy that thou should come under my simple roof, but now that you’re here, it’s cash in advance and there’s a ten percent service charge."

Then he handed each traveller a list of ancient commandments which had been thoughtfully printed in five languages; and the commandments said ‘No smoking in the rooms, no spitting in the corridors, keep your feet off the furniture, no women in the room after ten o’clock, and breakfast is at eight sharp, so don’t be late’.

Chapter 11 - And So To Sleep

Chapter Nine

2008-01-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

THE UNCLEAN

So the throng in their humility crushed towards The Gateway, and those which were blessed passed through unto The Promised Land, whilst those who were not so blessed were dragged away, never again to be seen.

Then a Guardian of The Gateway spoke harshly to a traveller, saying: "I say unto thee, have a squiz at this list", and he placed into the hands of the traveller an ancient screed which bore the legend ‘List Of Prohibited Articles’, and the traveller began to read.

And the traveller was still reading almost two hours later, for the screed it was lengthy.

And he enquired of The Guardian: "What would I want with a native drum made of rawhide from which the hair hasn’t been removed? Or, come to that, any derivative of elephant, rhinoceros or alligator that hasn’t passed examination by the Health Department?" But The Guardian answered him not, and replied instead: "Now look mate, I don’t make the laws, I just enjoy enforcing them", and he commanded the traveller to push off in the direction of The Promised Land before he fetched him one across the ear with his Departmental clipboard.

Then, to the delight of the Guardians of The Gateway, a traveller approached who was of exceedingly unkempt appearance, and of unwashed body; and this traveller had long, thick hair upon his head and face, and a decree affixed to his garments which said: ‘Grow your own dope, plant a Pom’.

And he carried a stringed instrument upon which he strummed the sweetest music; and the Guardians rubbed their hands with glee for, surely, this should be a bit of fun. And they cried out in one voice unto the traveller, saying: "Oy, have you got any drugs upon your person?" And the traveller replied jocularly in the negative, saying "Sorry man, can’t help you, but just let me know what sort you’d like and I’ll see what I can do."

And the Guardians were aghast; and sucked in their breaths with horror; and they slammed their pencils unto their desks; and the traveller was to immediately find that Hell hath no fury like a Guardian scorned; for his foolishness was to cost him dear that day.

And The Guardians had special ways for dealing with those who fell not in supplication before them; for they took sharpened tools unto the interior of his baggage and smote the lining therefrom; and they thrust the contents upon the ground for others to trample upon.

Yet no iniquitous substance could they find; nay, not even the smallest stuffed or mounted animal, nor the merest hint of any vaccines, viruses, germ cultures, living insects in any stages of development, nor other biological material, the illegal importation of which couldst result in heavy penalties and the seizure and destruction of same. And The Guardians of the Gateway were most disappointed.

And the chastened traveller, his humour having fallen upon stony ground, spent the next hour repacking his ruined baggage and piecing together what remained of his stringed instrument.

And a lesson of great value was learned by him that day: that a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver; and the unfortunate traveller vowed that he would choose his words more fitly in future.

Then, sadder and wiser than before, he passed with the others through The Gateway and into the Promised Land.

Chapter 10 - The Guide

Chapter Eight

2008-01-15T16:12:00.002-08:00

THE GATEWAY

And yet more travellers continued to arrive, spilling forth in abundance from the great silver birds.

And these were small in stature and were of a saffron hue, and they didst all look alike, as peas unto a pod, and they spoke just one phrase, which was: "Ah, so." And these had affixed to the ends of their arms, yea, as if formed from their very flesh, caskets of the deepest ebony, upon which were inscribed the names of strange and unknown deities, like Pentax, and Nikkon, and Canon.

And these travellers were of a pleasant demeanour, and displayed a multitude of gleaming teeth to the throng therein; and they bowed from the waist unto all they met, and said: "Ah, so"; and their ebony caskets were offered up unto all manner of things, and the caskets went Click.

And the labourers beheld these strange travellers and, verily, were much amused; and they smiled unto the ebony caskets and made humorous faces, whilst the caskets went Click. And the labourers smiled, and said: "On yer Slopies" and "Flamin' Nips".

And the travellers, each one, and of each creed, having set foot upon the sacred turf, were commanded to approach The Gateway, so that they might enter unto The Promised Land.

And, lo, a sign was visited upon them as they approached The Gateway; and the sign said: "Customs and Immigration"; and the travellers were caused to travel for many leagues, and for much of the afternoon, along a multitude of echoing corridors until, at last, they beheld The Gateway.

And fearsome Guardians awaited the travellers at that place; and these had countenances of stone and a sternness which was terrible to perceive; for a sacred task had been entrusted unto these – to permit only the blessed to enter The Promised Land. And amongst their many tasks was to ensure that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for someone wearing a Manchester United scarf to enter The Promised Land.

And the travellers saw that the Guardians of the Gateway were attired in raiments of indigo, sewn through with buttons and braid of dazzling gold. And they took brown liquid, called tea, unto their lips, and they moved not from their positions against the wall as they beheld the gathering multitude before them.

Then one amongst the Guardians spoke unto his brother, saying: "What d’ya reckon’s twenty-three down?" But his brother spoke not, for divine inspiration was he seeking over the runners in the two-thirty at Randwick. And the Guardians continued in this wise for a sore age, each an island unto himself, until there was assembled before them a throng of a hundred score, and no others could enter therein.

And the throng stood upon each other’s toes, and babies screamed shrilly, and normally civilised people began to throw punches at each other.

Then, at last, the Guardians, in their infinite wisdom, pushed themselves upright from the walls, and sauntered with casual air to the nearby tables. And they beheld the perspiring masses with disdain, and said: "Right, who’s got anything to declare ?"

Chapter 9 - The Unclean

Chapter Seven

2008-01-15T16:12:00.001-08:00

THE TRAVELLERS

And so it came to pass that great hoards of travellers began to come in search of The Promised Land, and they carried with them their Dollars, and their Yen, and their Deutchmarks and, yea, even their Pounds Sterling.

And the great silver birds multiplied a hundred-fold, descending from the firmament like locusts on the wing. And it pleased not the locals, who slammed their windows and their doors, and placed their hands upon their ears, and mouthed curses unto the heavens, saying: "Flamin’ tourists".

Yet the travellers continued to arrive in The Promised land, and they came from many and diverse places. And there were those who dressed in loud checked trousers with clashing sports jackets, and whose wives wore tortoiseshell glasses, and were called Martha. And these were blessed with wallets of exceeding bulk, for they had come to purchase anything that wasn’t bolted down; and they were particularly interested in the sacred great rock which was fabled to exist in the centre of the land, for it would look rather nice alongside the swimming pool, next to the tropical hibiscus.

And these entered the landing ground of the great silver birds and enquired of the labourers therein: "Hey Mack, where’s the big rock?" And when they were told it was many thousands of leagues away, they replied: "OK, where can we pick up a cab?" And the labourers at the landing ground laughed gaily, and they held their sides, and they nudged one another, saying: "Flamin’ Yanks" and "Bloody Septics!"

Then, other travellers came amongst them, and these were clothed in a strange garb, for bowler hats and rolled umbrellas doth signify this creed. And one amongst them beheld the labourers from above his stiff upper lip, and he spake unto them loudly and in strident tones, saying: "Bloody hell, bit strong, what? How much longer do we have to wait for our damn luggage?"

Then he enquired of the throng as to that place wherein was kept the warm beer; for he was blowed if he was going to drink that freezing cold local muck, where the glass sticks to your bloody lips, and the froth takes up half the glass anyway.

And the labourers were still of tongue, for no words could they get in edge-wise; and the traveller continued thus: "Anyway, it’s bloody expensive enough as it is, without throwing away my hard-earned money to a bunch of bloody foreigners in some Bruce-forsaken colonial backwater!" And the labourers looked one unto the other, and shook their heads sadly from side to side, and murmured things like "Jeez" and "Flamin’ Poms".

And with no answer forthcoming to his question, the traveller picked up his duty-free bag and wandered alone unto the sweltering land, seeking the suggested lemon upon which to suck; and he perspired freely as he went, beneath his navy blue pin-striped three-piece suit. And tranquillity was once more upon that place.

Chapter 8 - The Gateway

Chapter Six

2008-01-15T16:11:00.001-08:00

THE PROMISED LAND

And so it came to pass that messengers went forth unto the four corners of the earth, to spread the word of Bruce unto the people thereof.

And they carried with them brightly coloured manuscripts extolling the virtues of the land from whence they had come. And they were led by the one called Hogan, a scholar blessed of fast wit and quick tongue; and he came with others from the vast southern land; like the maiden Kylie, and the thespian, Mel; and the one called Dame Edna, a beauteous starlet with a history of family illness.

And the sacred message was in this wise: "Verily, there does exist a vast land far to the south, wherein dwell an especial people and which is, surely, The Garden of Eden. And this land flows with milk and honey; and the sun shines perpetually from the firmament to cast its golden light upon the countenance of every beast; apart, that is, from in Melbourne, where it rains all the time.

And fertile fields and forests abound as far as the eye can behold; provided, of course, that you stay around the edges and don’t go anywhere near the sacred great rock, for the fearsome heat within that place is enough to dissolve your daks, and no worries".

And the message continued thus: "And wherever you go throughout the land you will behold the hallowed golden arches, for every town and village does have its own McDonald’s. And, verily, this is a land of plenty; particularly when it comes to dole bludgers, pommy union leaders and nauseating soap operas". And the multitudes were even more impressed when they heard that the pubs were open for twelve hours a day.

Then the messengers called upon the multitudes to harken unto the word of Bruce, saying: "He that believes us not shall be damned, but he that believes our message shall be saved; saved, that is, a large amount of cash, by taking advantage of these never-to-be-repeated air fares".

And the one who was Hogan said: "Travel unto our land, and we shall set on the great pot, and seethe pottage for thee". And the multitudes looked at each other, and then at Hogan, and said: "Pardon?" And Hogan said: "Get your bums into gear and rattle your dags, and I’ll put an extra prawn on the barbie for you".

And the multitudes at last began to give ear to the message that was before them; particularly the bit about the topless beaches, and they called upon the messengers to give name unto this wondrous place.

So the messengers replied in their wise; and to the listening multitudes it sounded very much like: horse-trailer.

Chapter 7 - The Travellers

Chapter Five

2008-01-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

THE CHOSEN PEOPLE

And Bruce’s Great Work of Creation was now almost complete.

Yet one especial task didst He decide to perform; a task to make the vast southern land – a land upon which He had inflicted so much tribulation – a place unique within His Grand Design. After all, infinite mercy was one of Bruce’s better points.

So, unique was what the vast southern land was to become. And He caused, at once, the summer of this land to fall in December, and the winter thereof in July, and He caused the cooking of a Christmas dinner in temperatures which could melt a dingo’s donger a ritual which was pointless in the extreme.

And this strange and especial land deserved a strange and especial people to dwell thereon. And He caused these people to wear a garb like no other. Singlets of the deepest indigo did they wear, and large hats with corks affixed thereon. And thick bushy hair didst He cause to spring from their arms and legs. And, yea, that was just the women. And these people didst He cause to walk around all day saying things like, "G’day y’old bastard" and "She’ll be right, no worries" and other phrases which the rest of the world couldst not understand.

And Bruce called these people His Chosen People; and the land thereof He called The Promised Land, for, surely, some sort of compensation was deserved to them for having been lumbered in the way they had.

And He sat in His shed, and cast the remainder of his pebbles, uncomfortable, for the placing of on beaches, at His unfortunate cat, until at last He had His final idea. And His final idea was in this wise: He instantaneously created clever advertising executives, and He charged these with the task of convincing the rest of Man that His vast southern land – His Promised Land – was truly the Garden of Eden.

And His Great Work of Creation was complete. So He sat back to watch what would happen. But, alas, things hadst not quite worked out exactly how He hadst hoped; and his soul meet, Gaylene, was destined to have infinite satisfaction in saying, "I told you so".

Chapter 6 - The Promised Land

Chapter Four

2008-01-15T16:08:00.000-08:00

THE SOUTHERN LAND

And on the day after the seventh day, which was the eighth day, Bruce pondered upon His Grand Design and was rather worried.

For no money was left to buy good quality creatures that creepeth; nor fowls which doth have wing; and He was fast running out of herbs and trees and, in particular, wild shrubs that doth bear seed. And, to make matters worse, a vast land lay far to the south upon which stood not a single thing of beauty, nor a solitary item of any interest, and was certainly not a realistic prospect for any form of redevelopment.

So, He beheld His stores, but could find nothing with which to fill this vast southern land. Then, lo, He beheld a movement in a darkened corner of His shed, beneath some discarded sacks of pork offal, and there, as if by a miracle, lay the answer to His problem. For an abundance of forgotten and rejected creatures didst He behold there, cowering in the dark.

And He beheld large hairy creatures which bounded with great leaps and which broke fences, and a myriad of furry bears with appealing nature but appalling manners, for their only role was to widdle upon tourists and to attract fleas which biteth. Yea, and there were evil vipers which slithered on their bellies, and venomous spiders which hid beneath the seats of dunnies and which struck with their fangs at the most awkward moments and, all in all, an assortment of creatures the likes of which nightmares are made.

And Gaylene had made it quite plain that such creatures were not permitted around the house, so, in an instant, Bruce placed them conveniently unto the vast southern land.

Then He checked His dwindling supply of wild shrubs that doth bear seed, and His trees beauteous to behold, and His mountains, assorted, for the climbing of, and He found that He was exceedingly low in that department too. But the few that He found betwixt the rusting billy and Uncle Bert’s old pair of knacker-nippers had to go somewhere, so He took them and scattered them in random fashion about the southern land.

And when it was done, Bruce was well pleased. For His garden shed was now empty. Empty, that is, but for one extremely large and ugly rock which He had been using, until that time, as a paperweight. So He took that rock, and He smiled. And He placed it with infinite precision and a great deal of pleasure bang in the middle of the vast southern land. And Man, for evermore, wouldst wonder how that big rock got there, and would marvel at its mystery, yet never would they realise that Bruce, as has been seen, loved His little joke.

And with His Great Work drawing to a close, He took the large hairy creatures which boundeth, and placed them in scattered locations throughout the land, carefully selected so that they might cause the maximum amount of damage to the wild shrubs that doth bear seed.

And as He strolled in to get his tea, He thought unto Himself, "Thank Bruce that’s over". Yet His conscience was a little bit troubled, and He realised He had just one more task to perform.

Chapter 5 - The Chosen People

Chapter Three

2008-01-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

MAN'S DOMINION

And on the next day, which was the third day, Bruce arose from his slumbers early, spurned His toasted Vegemite soldiers and ticked off the next item on His list; then, flicking His cigarette butt into His neighbours geraniums, said, "Let Man have dominion over the fowl of the air, and over the fishes of the Seas, and over every creeping thing that creepeth.

Then created He double-barrelled Winchester shotguns, so that Man might have dominion over the fowl of the air; and for dominion over the fishes of the Seas he created fibreglass fishing rods; and for dominion over every creeping thing that creepeth, created He large baseball bats and size ten thongs.

And Man didst have dominion over every other creature, and didst promptly commence to slaughter every living thing that moveth; yea, and even some that didn’t. And things became such that if you lived somewhere like New York or Atlanta or Los Angeles, then Bruce help you.

And the hoofed beasts knew no sanctuary; nor the winged fowl; nor the fishes; for most of them ended up between sesame seed buns or stuffed full of sage and onion, or flat on a plate covered with a thick white sauce and a sprig of parsley.

And as Bruce worked through the fourth day; and then the fifth day, He beheld Man who had been created in His own image, and He noticed that things weren’t quite right. For Man appeared to be of assorted colours, and of diverse creeds, and of varying football team allegiances; and there were those who liked Barry Manilow and those who couldn’t stand him; and all this diversity was a bit of a worry.

And He put it down to the weariness which was overtaking His body, and He beheld all the rejects and mistakes that were beginning to pile up at the back of the garden, and the garbo wouldn’t be at all happy, having to cart such a lot away. So He vowed that all would take their place upon His good earth, and He discarded them not.

But these lesser beings – those that were full of imperfections – were to dwell upon the Earth in their shame, and they were reviled for their imperfections, and suffered the scorn and ridicule of others. And to these a special name was given; and the name was Politician.

Then, at last, it was the seventh day, and Bruce rested from His labours. And He set aside the seventh day for those who liked to wash their cars, or to mow their lawns at six o’clock in the morning.

Then His neighbours were summoned unto the house of Bruce, so that they might behold His great work of creation and glorify Him in His greatness. But when he beheld their sniggers and their giggles, He reproached them, saying, "No worries, it’s not finished yet; it should be OK by Thursday or Friday of next week."

But, as He clutched His tinny and made the odd alteration here and there, He was beginning to think He might have made a bit of a blue with His Grand Design. For,during all this time, whilst He’d been flat out like a lizard drinking, the crinkly stuff had been disappearing as fast as a rat up a drainpipe; for His bank account was the only thing about Him that wasn’t infinite.

And the one called Gaylene had her doubts also; and shook her head as she beheld Him from the kitchen window. For she feared that His latest project was fast turning into just another one of His botched jobs.

And, alas, so it wouldst come to pass.

Chapter 4 - The Southern Land

Chapter Two

2008-01-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

IN HIS OWN IMAGE

And it was the second day of the Creation; and Bruce removed His pencil from His ear and studied thereof the matter affixed to it; and scratched He His lower parts; and thought He for a sore age about the heaven and the earth.

For, he had to admit, His soul meet had a good point. After all, He thought unto Himself, what good’s a deep if it’s got darkness upon the face of it? And come to that, what good’s an earth if it’s without form and void?

And then in a flash, as swiftly as a blowie will descend upon a steaming dag, divine inspiration didst dawn on Him. And He threw down His pencil, and He jumped into the air, and He shouted, "Let there be light!" And there was light; and He saw the light, that it was good; and hadst He gotten around to creating the moon, He would have been over it.

Then He held His heaven and earth plans before Him, and He cleared His throat and said, "Let the waters under the firmament be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear". And it was so; and this Creation lark was money for old rope, He thought unto Himself. And he called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters called He seas; and he had absolutely no idea why he had called them such; for He could have called them virtually anything.

And it was now fairly late on the second day, yet a task of great importance was before him; for what would be the point of creating a heaven and an earth if He only had His nosey neighbours to glorify Him in His greatness and, perhaps, a few of His mates from down the pub? So, in the blinking of an eye, He created Man in His own image; and male and female created He them; and He blessed them and said unto them, "Go forth and multiply, but go easy on the old horizontal jogging because I haven’t had time to create the Pill yet".

Then He said, "Bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life, and the feathered fowl that may fly above the earth, so that Man may pass his time by blasting them out of existence, just for the fun of it"; and it was so. And He created abundant fishes, and crabs, and oysters, and lobsters thermidor, and a multitude of other delicacies which Man could pluck from the seas in order to sell to expensive harbourside restaurants at grossly inflated prices.

Then, although His tea was on the table, He created every winged fowl after their kind, paying particular attention to those that went nicely with a cranberry sauce; and, despite His soul meet, Gaylene, loudly threatening to despatch His tucker to the dunny, He created great whales and placed them with the fishes unto the Seas. Then He said, "Let the Earth bring forth an abundance of cattle after their kind, and other hoofed creatures thereof"; for winged fowl which may fly above the Earth certainly hath their uses, but are a bit annoying on your average barbie, what with all those feathers and things.

And in an instant it was so; but Bruce wasn’t finished yet, for what good was a barbie without creatures which creepeth, and insects which biteth, and, yea, those big fat blowies which landed on your food and vomiteth. So, between Home & Away and Neighbours on the second day of the Creation, Bruce created every small thing that creepeth upon the Earth, and every insect that doth have sting and that buzzeth about the firmament, and placed them unto every back yard of the Earth; for, verily, Bruce loved His little joke.

And He saw that it was good; and He hadn’t enjoyed Himself so much since His granny had dropped her dentures into the wombat stew down at Ned Kelly’s Fill-Yer-Face Gourmet Tucker Shack all those millennia ago.

And, with Gaylene screaming commandments to Him about taking her to bingo, Bruce reluctantly called an end to His work of creation for the day; and, although he had accomplished a great deal in a short time, His Grand Design had clearly shown that seven days would be the limit of His housekeeping budget; and He had a distinct feeling that He would be scratching for cash long before that.

Chapter 3 - Man's Dominion

Chapter One

2008-01-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

THE CREATION

In the beginning Bruce created the heaven and the earth, despite anything you may have heard to the contrary.

And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and His neighbours cried, "Strewth, what’s old Bruce up to now?" For the occasional bit of kitchen furniture had He knocked up, and the odd screen door had He fixed, but never before had He created a heaven and an earth.

And Bruce was well pleased. And His neighbours were most impressed, and didst lean over His fence, and didst gasp in awe as they beheld His earth spinning about the firmament like a chook with its head cut off.

And He glorified in its greatness as He dusted Himself down and snapped open a tinny.

And He called upon His soul meet, who was Gaylene, to behold the wondrous sight, saying, "Come and take a squizz at this, you’ll never believe what I’ve just thrown together!"

And the one who was Gaylene entered unto the back yard and beheld Bruce’s work of creation as she wiped her hands upon her apron and kicked the cat from beneath her feet. And she spake unto Him in tones of wrath, saying, "But there’s still bloody darkness upon the face of the deep; and if I’m not mistaken the earth’s still without form and void!"

And she bade Bruce to interrupt her not and continued in this wise: "And instead of spending all the housekeeping on this rubbish I wish you’d go and dip the bloody sheep – they’re beginning to smell like a flamin’ swagman’s truss".

And Bruce was terrible in His anger; and He flung His empty tinny, and smote the cowering cat, and said: "I know there’s still bloody darkness upon the face of the deep and the flamin’ earth’s still without form and void; I don’t have bloody eight pairs of hands, do I? I’m only bloody superhuman!"

But Gaylene shrank not from the wrath of Bruce, and she turned the other cheek, and went back into the kitchen to continue peeling the potatoes, whilst Bruce stomped angrily about the yard, hither and thither, like a mad woman’s knitting.

And Bruce went inside for His tea; and He fell asleep with His head in the butter dish.

And thus it came to pass that peace didst again prevail upon the house of Bruce. And the fickleness of Woman was known unto Bruce; and hadst He not been wed to Gaylene for all eternity?

To Him, it certainly seemed like it.

Chapter 2 - In His Own Image